Grief and Growth: The Journey to Healing Together

I’ve been feeling emotionally constipated. 15 months after Mom’s rebirth, my grieving process is changing, and I’ve been feeling like I don’t know how to grieve anymore. 

The Evolution of Expressed Grief

In hindsight, looking back on the first year without Mom, while EXTREMELY difficult, the grief seemed simpler than it does now. What was “simple” was that I cried. I cried daily, often numerous times a day, then I cried every couple of days, then weekly, then monthly. There were times I was shocked that my body could produce so many tears. But from all of these episodes, I experienced physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual release of the pain through and out of my body. I always felt bathed and less overwhelmed after a good cry. As much as it hurt, I allowed myself to succumb to these episodes of body-shaking cries because I knew this was natural and necessary. 

Now, I’ve realized an uncomfortable reality that the cries are less and I don’t know how to facilitate the flow of grief. When Mom first transitioned, I imagined that I would be crying daily for the rest of my life. Now, I can’t believe that the tears aren’t always there, and I also can’t believe this doesn’t feel relieving. 

Messages from Spirit

Before this revelation, I dreamed a couple of nights ago that Mom and I were out on a lake with some of my siblings. They were in a little boat and Mom and I were in the lake swimming. We were all having a great time, then Mom suddenly stopped breathing. I grabbed her from behind and tried swimming her to shore but every time I got to the shore, I’d look up and we’d be back in the middle of the lake surrounded by water. 

Carrying Mom has been a recurring dream theme since her rebirth. In previous dreams, she’s collapsed or died in front of me and I’ve struggled picking up and carrying her body as dead weight. In this most recent dream, the water and swimming actually made carrying her a little easier. 

I feel different messages from this dream. One, my Higher Self is showing me that I am more capable of carrying the weight of my grief for Mom. It’s a little less overwhelming now; it isn’t pulling me under. Two, Mom has been showing me how much I am carrying and holding on to her death. In Spirit, Mom continues to push me more than anyone else in this world, as she did in Life. She’s gentler in Spirit, lol. But in her gentler way, I know she’s telling me that I’m holding on to the wrong thing. That I will eventually need to let go of her death because I’m holding me back, remaining stuck in that lake.

Navigating Guilt and Acceptance

Let me tell y’all, I have no idea what I’m doing. I realize my body is showing me I’m ready and able to continue forward without the frequent tears. As in my dream, the grief, while still incredibly painful, is not as overwhelming now. I’ll admit, I actually broke down in guilt after realizing this. How could I possibly be ready to keep living without Mom, already? I don’t know, and I actually had a self-sabotaging thought that I should have avoided my grief more and I wouldn’t be here so quickly, betraying Mom’s death. But that’s that shit Mom is referring to in my dreams. 

Honoring the Journey and Self

So, now what? Well, I am understanding more why the second year of grief can be more difficult than the first, so I’m practicing continued self-grace; lowering unrealistic expectations of how grief “should” look and feel after surviving the first year.

I’m also intentionally allowing my conscious mind to catch up to accepting what my body and subconscious mind are showing me. I am ready, I am capable, I am supported, I am already doing it. When the tears come, I’ll continue to let them, but I understand now that I don’t need to go looking for them.